I am hesitant in writing something that is so fresh and special to me, but I feel like I should. Plus, this is the closest I come to writing in a journal, so here I go!
I hope that you will be kind.
Oh, my ankles. My ankles hate me, and I have hated them in return for many years. I have always had problems with them! (If you want to read a past post about my problems, click
here.) The have gotten progressively worse. When I first went to see a doctor about my left ankle (five years ago) he told me that unless I wanted surgery (and if I could handle not having it...) then do physical therapy. I did physical therapy. My ankles have still gotten worse.
I fall a few times a week. Now, while that may be normal for a clumsy human being, when I fall, I literally feel my ankles crumple underneath me. For instance, this last week, I stepped on a marker lid on my kitchen floor, and I ended up on the floor. Less than 24 hours later, I was mowing the weeds around my garden stepped on an uneven part of ground, and I immediately went to the ground. I have to step on perfectly even ground.
Well, one of the times I fell, I did something to my knee. It really bothered me. I couldn't kneel and change diapers, cross my legs, or bend my knees without feeling like something was pulling. We were having quiet time the other day, and I was dozing off in the recliner. I had my legs up, and my legs turned to their sides. Macey, without me knowing it, ran at the chair and pushed the foot of the recliner down. Because I was asleep and relaxed my leg, which was turned to the side, my leg immediately dropped. I felt immediate pain and burning (I actually woke up screaming). I turned my knee back to middle, it popped, and it felt better. My knee ached for days. The insides felt lose, and my knee now pops.
I decided this was it. Now my ankles were effecting other parts of my body. I can't wear heels (I feel SO unsteady when I wear them). I am afraid to carry my kids. I am nervous to step off curbs or on uneven ground. I live in fear of falling. It's a horrible way to live!
With the help of my sister and mom, I found a great orthopedic doctor that just felt right. I was able to make an appointment for Monday.
I was miserable all weekend. My knee hurt. I walked funny because of it, which made my ankles ache. Scott can attest to how miserable I was. I was just off. On Sunday, Scott sat and listened as I contemplated the future. I cried. Scott made me laugh. I talked through every possible scenario until I am sure that I drove Scott crazy! I finally asked Scott for a Priesthood Blessing.
I don't know that I can adequately describe how the blessing gave me peace. Reassurance. It led me in the direction I should go. I prayed before the blessing that I would be able to remember what was said, and that I would be able to recall it to memory when I needed it.
By the time the blessing had ended, Scott and I knew a few things. We knew that this was the beginning of an adventure. A difficult adventure for me. We knew that we would have love and support from many people along the way. Scott blessed me to be healed. I was told that this would be a long process, and I would have to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ. I would need to know and understand that He has been where I am. Along the way, I need to remember that I will be healed. I blessed with it. I will be made whole, and I won't have problems ever again. I was reassured that this was the path I was supposed to be taking right now.
So we woke up early the next day. Scott was able to take off work, and we headed to Fairview. We stopped for a quick lunch, and then we dropped our kids off with Aunt Holly in her classroom. Marilyn came by after work and took the kids to her house. Scott and I headed north.
I hate not knowing how things will work or feel. I guess I need more faith!
The blessing told me to listen to the doctor. He will give me all the knowledge that he can, and then rely on Heavenly Father. He would let me know where to go from there. We met with Dr. Garrard, and I told him my novel of a story. He listened to all of it. In the end, he admitted that he doesn't know a lot about ankles. He referred me to another doctor, but he is VERY hard to get an appointment with. He is scheduling appointments for December right now. He did look at my knee. He thought I may have a problem with my ACL, but being I have been getting around on it okay, it was probably just a sprain.
He knew how hard it was to get an appointment with Dr. Faux, so he did all my X-rays and scheduled my MRIs. That way, when my appointment does come, I will be prepared with all of my information.
Dr. Wallentine came in to assist with my X-Rays. He immediately told me I was going to hate him because he was going to sprain my ankles for X-Rays. I thought he was joking. Nope. It did not feel good, and boy did they hurt after that! I took a lot of X-Rays. They quickly showed me, what looked like, a normal right ankle, and then my left ankle...which has bone chips and bone spurs on the front, medial side, and back. My knee X-Rays looked normal. (Which was to be expected being he suspected it was an ACL problem.)
Off to the MRI we went. I was extremely nervous because I was told that they were going to inject my ankles with dye. They wanted the best picture possible.
I went to Central Utah Clinic's imaging center in Provo, and they fit me in. Scott and I were there until 6:45, and they waited for me. I am so appreciative of them! (Plus, they run everything through insurance and still charge less than the hospital would have charged.)
Obviously, I was freaking out because of injections. I jokingly asked everyone if they would hurt, and no one answered me. I knew then that it was going to hurt. I asked the doctor right before he did them, and he said, "Well, they aren't going to hurt
me at all!"
He went on to explain that they needed to inject dye into my ankle
joint, so they would have to insert a needle into the joint. They would numb me, but it would only cut the edge. He told me that I would be able to feel every time he hit the bone. You can see in the picture below (which Scott snapped of my ankle as they were working) where they inject the dye is a tiny spot! Chances are that he would hit that bone.
The first ankle was rough. Scott joked with me the entire time. I (sort of) joked back. Your skin is numb, but the inside is not numb at all. I felt it all. All of it. I felt him hit my bone a couple times (every time he did, pain would shoot up my entire leg). He was in there digging around for about 5 minutes. I know things seem like they last longer when you are in pain, but he was literally in there that long. The hardest part of the first ankle, was knowing that he had to do the other ankle when he was done.
Whenever I think about the second ankle, I start to cry. It hurt from the very beginning to the very end. I squeezed Scott's hand so tightly. Tears rolled down my face, and I cried out a few times. Scott joked a couple times at the beginning. Then he rubbed my face and held back tears the rest of the time. He dug around a long time to get to the joint. The guy helping the doctor knew what he was doing more than the doctor did. He was guiding him along the way, and every time I cried out he would put a gentle hand on my leg and tell me they were almost done. At the very end, he rushed up to my head to see if I was okay. I quickly pieced together that it wasn't supposed to feel like that, and the doctor didn't know what he was doing.
A lot goes through your mind when you are in that much pain. You want to give up. I wanted to scream at them to get that needle out of my ankle. Amidst all that pain, I wanted answers. I somehow found a way to push forward. Above everything else, I remembered my blessing. Yesterday, I was reminded how real the atonement was. As the needle tried to find it's way around my second foot, a portion of a scripture from Isaiah kept running through my mind over and over and over again, "Surely he hath borne our griefs, carried our sorrows..." (Isaiah 53:4-5) I knew He had felt this pain before. I knew I could handle it, because He could. I felt His love over and over again.
I was wheeled into the MRI room. I had two, 30 minutes MRIs--one of each ankle, and I had one 18 minute MRI of my right knee.
It was so nice to sit in that room for an hour and a half. I replayed everything in my head. I teared up in gratitude that Heavenly Father knew me. He knew exactly what would happen, the day before it happened. He blessed me with it all a day before. He knew what I needed to hear to give me peace. He knew what help to provide. He allowed Scott to come with me. He allowed my in laws to be able to watch our kids, so Scott could be with me every moment. Everything was so incredibly hard, but it was exactly what I needed.
We left. We ran and got dinner. I was so tired and achy that I hobbled all last night. (Two sprained ankles, injections in both ankle joints, working my hurt knee to determine if I had hurt my ACL...all of that will cause a lot of pain!) I am on a steady dose of Ibuprofen, and I still ache in pain today. I laid down in bed last night and cried because of how much I ached. I even had a fever this afternoon.
My blessing stated that the doctor would give me all the knowledge that he could, and then Heavenly Father would direct me from there. Dr. Faux, who is scheduling appointments in December, is the next step. I got a call from his secretary this morning that he, somehow, had an early opening on October 8th. I felt so strongly that Heavenly Father pulled strings, and this is the next step.
I'm anxious for MRI results and further doctor's appointments. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me. I am grateful for a Savior who has descended below all things, so he would know how to succor me--run to me, take care of me. I am so grateful that I am slowly on the path to being healed. I will be whole. It has been a long time coming.
